It's all coming back to me
by VampiressBlack
Summary: Yes it is a songfic, sorry if that is off-putting, but it's my first try so give it a go. Warning RL/SB slash. This is just about how they feel before and during OOTP as well as the time when Sirius is in azkaban; mainly Remus POV.


Disclaimer: All characters and places belong to JKRowling, the song lyrics belong to the writer Jim Steinman and has been recorded by various artists, no copyright infringement intended.

Rating: M for sexual content, just to be safe.

Warning: This is a slash story; male on male SBRL, don't like turn away now!

A/N: Ok so this is my first try at a songfic, so please don't be too harsh. Yea ok the songs a little cheesy, but I had it in my head (the Celine Dion version unfortunately not the Meatloaf one) and really wanted to try it out with the pups. Oh and I may have cut a chorus because it was getting too repetitive nearer the end. If any of the lyrics are slightly wrong then I apologise, but the lyric website (which I cannot remember the name of right now) where I looked them up is to blame. Unfortunately my beta didn't have a chance to go through this, and I really wanted to post it. So sorry for any mistakes.

* * *

_There were nights when the wind was so cold  
That my body froze in bed  
If I just listened to it  
Right outside the window_

***

Remus was curled up in the bed they used to share, the harsh glow of the streetlight cast nightmarish shadows along the walls of the small, sparsely furnished, bedroom. As a harsh wind rattled the window pane he looked out through the small dirty window, he could see the waxing moon glaring at him, and so he closed his eyes tight and took another swig from the bottle of whiskey clutched in his hands. He had once again forgotten to pay the heating bills and so was using drink to stave off the cold night. Only a few months ago, he would have been curled up to Sirius and they would have made their own heat, but thoughts like that were futile, he had to banish it, Sirius was gone, Sirius was a traitor, and so he drank again, to forget.

***

_There were days when the sun was so cruel  
That all the tears turned to dust  
And I just knew my eyes were  
Drying up forever_

_I finished crying in the instant that you left  
And I can't remember where or when or how  
And I banished every memory you and I had ever made_

***

He finally moved out of the bed-sit, moved away from the memories, the pain. It was a bright sunny day and as he took his suitcase and boxes of books down the steps and alone the sidewalk. He watched children laughing and playing in the street, as the sun beat down on him. How unfair it was that there could still be happy people, celebrating and rejoicing; the wizarding world because of the downfall of Voldemort and the muggles just because it was finally the summer. Yet here he was, his life crumbling around him. His closest friends: dead. His lover… no the traitor: locked away. He wanted to cry, to scream, to feel, but all the tears for his losses were shed all the memories being slowly obliterated by a constant stream of alcohol, and this was what was left; an empty shell, wandering through London alone, broken and weary of existence.

***  
_But when you touch me like this  
And you hold me like that  
I just have to admit  
That it's all coming back to me  
When I touch you like this  
And I hold you like that  
It's so hard to believe but  
It's all coming back to me  
(It's all coming back, it's all coming back to me now)  
_***

Remus was frozen at the door of the shrieking shack, looking at his former lover, what should he do? Before he had even made up his mind he was striding toward the figure on the floor. Then he confronted him, and as he lifted him off of the floor and embraced him, that small, seemingly insignificant contact, made him weak, he felt himself breaking, all of the feeling flooding back, the memories he had suppressed the love he had tried to forget. He couldn't stop himself holding on one second too long, before remembering the other occupants of the room and pulling away, albeit reluctantly.

***  
_There were moments of gold  
And there were flashes of light  
There were things I'd never do again  
But then they'd always seemed right_

***

Their relationship has been anything but perfect, and as they tried to rebuild their friendship, their bond, there was always the nagging in the back of Remus' mind of what they had done and said in those desperate months before the end of the first war. Sitting in the dusty library in Grimmauld place Remus absentmindedly traced a particularly deep scar on his left cheek and he clearly remembered the string of gold light that had erupted from Sirius' wand and sliced his face when Remus had accused him of being "a heartless Black, just like your mother". Fights like that generally follow either of them going on a long mission where there were constant doubts and fears and rumours. The fact that they knew there was an informant amongst them didn't help. Remus loved him, he loved him more than anything in his life and he would never have said such things to Sirius, he was nothing like his family, yet at the time that's all Remus could see him as; a traitor, a prejudice pureblood, a spy.

***_  
There were nights of endless pleasure  
It was more than any laws allow  
Baby Baby  
_***

After the fights, the arguments, the duels, Sirius would go out on his bike and ride and drink and Remus would stay at home and drink and cry and try to pretend it wasn't happening. Then Sirius would return and in a drunken haze they would mutter apologies and Remus would be pulled into the bedroom as they both stripped and collapsed onto the mattress. Hands and lips trailed over each others naked bodies as they touched and tasted and loved. When Remus moved inside of him it was like nothing else mattered, the war didn't matter the doubts didn't matter, it was just him and Sirius and the feeling of pleasure as they held each other tight and made love through the night. Calling each others names in that moment of pure bliss, before the world went black and they had to wake up to the reality of destruction that waited outside the confides of their bed.

***  
_If I kiss you like this  
And if you whisper like that  
It was lost long ago  
But it's all coming back to me  
_***

Remus tried to stop his mind sinking him into the dismal memories and tried to concentrate on the here and now, and right now Sirius was talking about some creature he had found lurking in the wine cellar, but Remus couldn't hear words he could just see those lips moving beautifully. Before he knew it he pressing his lips to Sirius' for the first time in over 13 years and as Sirius recovered from the shock he tentatively kissed back. Remus threaded his fingers through that glorious long hair, and he knew it was right, it was so familiar and yet new all at once. Pulling apart Sirius smiled at him, the first true smile from him Remus had seen since he had been sentenced to stay in this god forsaken house, and all Remus could do was pull Sirius into his arms and he heard him whisper "We're going to be alright aren't we?"

***

_If you want me like this  
And if you need me like that  
It was dead long ago  
But it's all coming back to me  
It's so hard to resist  
And it's all coming back to me  
I can barely recall  
But it's all coming back to me now  
But it's all coming back_

_***_

Gradually as they became surer of each other they moved further with their relationship. Sirius would pull Remus to him in the night and whisper, "I want you, I need you" and they would touch and kiss. The first time Remus took Sirius' cock into his mouth the other man had cried out in ecstasy, his hands tangling in Remus' hair. Remus licked up his shaft before circling the head with his tongue and then sucking hard while he wrapped his hand around the base and slowly sliding his hand up and down in rhythm with his mouth, before long Sirius was gasping out his name as his grip tightened almost painfully in the werewolf's hair and he released himself down Remus' throat.

Remus crawled up Sirius' spent body and littered kissed up his torso before nibbling lightly on his collar bone. Sirius laughed lightly and turned to Remus, kissed him softly, "I almost forgot how good that felt Moony, you're amazing" he whispered, to which Remus replied, "Well I'm glad to help refresh your memory, is there anything else you would like me to help you recall?" his smirk ruining the voice of innocence he tired to put on, before Sirius was on top of him, capturing his lips once more.

***  
_There were those empty threats and hollow lies  
And whenever you tried to hurt me  
I just hurt you even worse  
And so much deeper_  
***

Sirius would seem so ghost-like, he would wander the house, not seeing, his haunted eyes looking too sunken and too painful, and Remus knew. Remus knew it was the memories; the dementor-twisted memories, the years of repeating all of the pain and hurt that they had felt. Remus at least had alcohol to help him forget, Sirius could never escape. Recalling the lies that passed through the order, the deceit that was hurting them both, and what did they do? They turned on each other, hissing spiteful remarks, callous comments made in passing. They didn't want to look weak, they had to be strong they had to convince each other they weren't the spy, so they hurt each other, when they should have been there for each other, united in battle. He disregarded the man he loved, for what?

***  
_There were hours that just went on for days  
When alone at last we'd count up all the chances  
That were lost to us forever  
_***

The kids were back at school and Grimmauld Place was silent once more and everything seemed to much slower, both men rattled around the depressing house all day. They would spend hours in the library sitting on one of the battered leather sofas talking about the past, about their school days, about the pranks, about James and Lily and all the fond memories they had, the memories that weren't tainted with war and death. All that could have been was never said but it was present in the silences that stretched after such talks, and they both knew there were things they could never say aloud, things they could never relive, even in words.

***  
_But you were history with the slamming of the door  
And I made myself so strong again somehow  
And I never wasted any of my time on you since then_  
***

Remus didn't like to talk about the time after Sirius was arrested, he couldn't explain how he felt; how he didn't want to believe it; how he tried to forget and pretend he wasn't still in love with a man the world knew was a murderer, a ruthless, backstabbing killer. And so the last time Sirius closed the door to their flat Remus knew now it was to track down Peter to make him pay, but back then he just thought he was running away, a coward. Being with Sirius now, he felt so ashamed of thinking such things, of turning his back on his mate and moving on, or at least he had told himself he had moved on, pulled through the pain and come out stronger.

***  
_But if I touch you like this  
And if you kiss me like that  
It was so long ago  
But it's all coming back to me  
If you touch me like this  
And if I kiss you like that  
It was gone with the wind  
But it's all coming back to me  
(It's all coming back, it's all coming back to me now)_  
***

And so he tried to make it up to Sirius while he still could, when no-one was looking, he would entwine their fingers and gently brush his lips across the back of Sirius' knuckles or he would rest his hand on Sirius' knee under the table at order meetings. Then when the other order members were out on missions or at work or asleep, he would reach for Sirius and kiss him; soft, sweet, lingering kisses that left them both dizzy for more. Remus did this as often as he could in a futile attempt to make up for every bad word he had said, every doubtful thought he had towards Sirius.

***  
_If you forgive me all this  
If I forgive you all that  
We forgive and forget  
And it's all coming back to me_

***

Laying in a tangle of sheets Remus was lost in thoughts and memories as he skimmed his hands up Sirius' naked torso, tracing meaningless patterns in the sweat across his abdomen, he heard a low chuckle and looked up as Sirius cracked one eye open, before he muttered "tickles" and scratched across the trail of ebony hair leading from his belly button down under the sheets that rested over his thin hips. Remus stilled his hand and just rested his head on Sirius' chest and listened to the steady drum of his heartbeat. Closing his eyes Remus whispered "I'm sorry", Sirius tried to sit up slightly and look at Remus, so he lifted his head and looked through tear-blurry eyes at his lover. Sirius seemed to understand what he was randomly apologising for and just leaned in and kissed him, "you don't need to be sorry for anything, I was the one who never told you about…" Sirius' voice broke and he couldn't finish. Remus swallowed the lump in his throat and managed to croak out "I forgive you" Sirius' arms wrapped around him as he buried his face in the crook of Sirius' neck and inhaled the sweet scent. "I forgive you everything, I can't begin to understand what you felt, but I know that I love you and forgive you no matter what else happens. Remember that!"

***  
_When you see me like this  
And when I see you like that  
We see just what we want to see  
All coming back to me  
The flesh and the fantasies  
All coming back to me  
I can barely recall but it's all coming back to me now_

_It's all coming back to me now_

***

Even with forgiveness it would take time for the scars to heal, the emotions to be buried and the love to be found again. As Remus walked out of the en suite bathroom he was roughly towelling his hair, with another slung low on his waist, he glanced over at the figure on the bed and what he saw made him still his hands and slowly lower the towel, before dropping it forgotten onto the floor. Sirius lay in the centre of the bed, completely naked holding two glasses of wine, a bowl, and that look. That look in Sirius' eyes as he watched Remus stalk over to the bed, made Remus' knees weak, that look of lust and desire and attraction that had been dormant for so long in his partner was alight in his eyes once more.

Remus laid himself next to Sirius despite being slightly damp from his shower and took one of the glasses of wine from him. That is when he noticed the contents of the bowl: melted chocolate. Remus raised his eyebrows and gave Sirius a quizzical look. Sirius merely reached for the glass of wine and set them both on the nightstand, before pulling Remus's towel off, his eyes dragging over the newly exposed flesh. Then Sirius tilted the bowl a little and left a small trail of chocolate over Remus' chest, before it could run onto the bed however, Sirius was licking it up. A moan escaped the animagus's chocolate covered lips as he tasted his lovers' body. All Remus could do was close his eyes and enjoy the fantasy that they had shared many years before, when Remus's love for chocolate had made its way into the bedroom.

***

_And when you kiss me like this  
(It's all coming back to me now)  
And when I touch you like that  
(It's all coming back to me now)  
And if you do it like this  
(It's all coming back to me now)  
And if we…_

***

Once both the chocolate and the wine were consumed, Remus took control and kissed Sirius hard, their lips pressed fiercely together. Remus' hand travelled over a smooth chest, over too prominent ribs, over a light trail of dark hair, before resting on Sirius' shaft, his thumb gliding over the sensitive head, spreading the bead of liquid that had formed at the slit. Sirius lifted his hips searching for more contact, but before he could whimper in rejection when he did not receive it, Remus had one slick finger massaging his opening, gently putting more and more pressure on the puckering entrance. As Remus prepared his lover, Sirius's moans filled the bedroom, low needy moans of pleasure. Pleasure he had forgotten he could feel, pleasure that only Remus could give him. The soft head of Remus' cock breached Sirius and both men hissed in relief at the feeling; Remus loved the tightness as he carefully pushed into his mate, Sirius loved being filled so completely, to be joined so intimately was sensational for both.

They fell into a well practiced rhythm with surprising ease, it could have been minutes instead of years since their last encounter, because they both still remembered so clearly the motions and satisfaction they could bring each other. However all too soon Sirius' tight walls were clenching as he spilled himself over their bodies and Remus pulsed inside of him as his release crested. Collapsing in a dishevelled, sweaty, heap in the centre of the bed they curled into each other and they knew their relationship was back in full force and they would be willing to do anything to keep that glimmer of light and hope in the dismal looking future.

* * *

A/N: Ok, I have no idea how well that went… let me know, was this going in the right direction? Or was it terrible? If so what could I do in future to prevent it being terrible? Or are songfics a bit of a disaster area for me and I should steer clear of them? Either way reviews would be good!


End file.
